Unrealistically General
by Belisse
Summary: A collection of GEN one shots, it will have humor, angst, whump, nakedness and someone reading erotica
1. Moan

**Title: Unrealistically General**

**Author: Belisse**

**Rating: PG-13 for mild language and weird situations.**

**Pairing: None**

**Genre: GENERAL (but it will have humor, angst, whump, nakedness and someone reading erotica)**

**Disclaimer: As much as I would like to, SGA is not mine. It belongs to someone else.**

**A/N: Ok… my bunnies are naughty, but not in a good sense. All the four other fics are now on stand by (I'm truly sorry) due to some heavy bunny blockage. In my search to break the blocking walls I came up with a self challenge. Mind you I didn't copy this from anywhere; I made it from scratch in order to give my bunnies a good push. I picked 20 themes or words, and I will write 20 drabbles or ficlets. ALL WILL BE GEN FICS… sorry to shout. But you will not find any slash or ships in here, mostly friendship and some embarrassed individuals. I'm going to confess that these will not be the most original fics you'll find, I'm just trying to write. And each chapter will be a different fic. If you want to know the themes before hand go by my profile. I hope you all like it and I hope this makes my bunnies move their sorry asses.**

**Enjoy!**

**#1 - Moan**

The alarms were screaming as the gate started working. The movement of people around the gate room looked almost blurred. Col. Sheppard's team was coming in early and requesting a medical team. Elizabeth Weir was already accompanied by Carson at the foot of the stairs. Both had worried expressions, because even if it was common knowledge that Sheppard's team had a bit of bad luck, they always worried.

But as the team stepped through, something looked very wrong. Everyone was looking at Ronon, who in turn was being pulled by the shirt by an annoying looking Teyla. Ronon's face was another matter, he looked in ecstasy. In short, his face was filled with pleasure. The Colonel looked at Elizabeth with a mixture of amusement and worry. But before anyone could say a word, Carson stepped in to attend the weird looking Ronon. When Carson touched the ex-runner in the arm, Ronon let out one loud moan.

The room fell silent in an instant as Elizabeth tried to approach the Colonel again. "John, what happened?"

Sheppard's mouth opened to reply but he stopped before starting. Because Carson's team were moving Ronon towards a stretcher and he began to sound as if he was having a major orgasm. The medical team left with Ronon's moans echoing through the hallways. And they moved fast, at least before anyone started laughing.

Elizabeth looked at the rest of the team once again. They were reacting just like everyone else in the room. But Elizabeth wanted to know what happened, as she faced Colonel Sheppard. "The briefing room… now!"

They all seemed to snap out and follow the base Commander. Once they were all sitting, Elizabeth repeated, "What happened?"

Sheppard shook his head, while Rodney started. "He accepted something he shouldn't have."

Elizabeth frowned. "What?"

"Food," Sheppard finished.

Elizabeth had to do a double take. "Food?"

"Apparently Earth is not the only place where the saying, the way to win a man's heart is through his stomach." John said looking down for a bit. Teyla decided to finish the tale for him. "Ronon took part in a marriage ceremony."

"That was meant for me." Sheppard finished.

Elizabeth put up her hands and said, "Wait, you were going to get married?"

The Colonel shook his head. "No, the girl tried to trick me. I didn't know it was a marriage ceremony, and the food looked a bit weird so I turned it down. But Ronon…"

Rodney cut Sheppard off and said, "He took the food before I could. I guess I'll have to thank him."

Elizabeth shook her head. "Did the girl who set you up tell you how to cure him?"

"There's nothing we can do. She told us that it was supposed to be a sensory enhancer for the wedding night. It is supposed to go away in a couple of hours." Teyla answered.

Elizabeth seemed to think about it then stood up. "Ok, I'm heading to the infirmary. You're dismissed."

She walked out and found that everyone on the team was heading to the infirmary with her. Once they walked in the infirmary, Elizabeth told Carson what the team had told her. He was looking flushed.

Then Rodney asked. "How is he?"

"He seems to be physically fine. Other than reacting as if… he's having multiple orgasms anytime someone touches him, he'll be okay."

Sheppard moved in closer towards Ronon's bed, only to witness the ex-runner moaning as the nurse fixed up the IV.

That went on for a while, Rodney and Teyla decided to stay for a while. At least until Ronon stopped moaning, that came to pass around dawn. Ronon had been quiet for a while. After behaving as if he was having orgasmic dreams every two hours, Ronon finally woke up.

At this time Sheppard was the only one who was still awake, and currently playing with his PDA. Ronon still didn't seemed to be a hundred percent himself, but at least he looked normal.

"How do you feel?" Sheppard asked him.

"Like the moment I found out I was betrothed … in the clouds."

John frowned as he did a double take. "You were betrothed?"

Ronon started looking a bit groggy. "Soldiers were often betrothed in Sateda."

That was interesting; imagining Ronon as a married man… but before the Colonel could dig up more into the betrothed matter Ronon fell asleep.

-0-0-0-

When morning arrived Carson threw everyone out of the infirmary saying that they needed to rest and that Ronon was going to be ok. Sheppard obeyed without protest, besides he needed a shower… big time.

A shower and a nap later Sheppard left to the infirmary in wanting to know of Ronon's condition. But when he arrived Carson told him that the Runner had just been released. Sheppard knew Ronon's favorite place and he headed that way; the mess hall.

Ronon was eating alone. Sheppard quickly approached the table; Ronon noticed the Colonel's presence and seemed to lower his head.

"Ronon… how are you feeling?" Sheppard asked as he sat down across from Ronon.

Ronon glanced at Sheppard. "Fine," the answer was sharp and humorless.

But Sheppard didn't miss a beat. "Is it true that you were betrothed?"

Ronon froze. "What?"

Sheppard lied back to his chair and held up his hands. "Hey! You told me that last night, while you were…" Sheppard noticed the glare Ronon was giving him. "Don't look at me like that! I wasn't asking you anything; you just came out and said it."

There was a moment of silence, and then Ronon nodded. Sheppard smiled. "Cool, did you like her?"

Ronon took a bite of bread and glanced at the Colonel. "I didn't have the chance to know her. A week later the Wraith arrived and I was taken."

Silence fell again between them; Sheppard respected it as it was not a normal thing for Ronon to say something about his life in Sateda.

"Not a word, okay?" Ronon said out of the sudden.

Sheppard was taken aback by the sudden request and a smirk formed in his lips. "Did you really felt in the clouds when they told you?"

Ronon eyed the Colonel with a murderous glare. "You're not going to let this go, right?"

"Not for a minute." Sheppard replied kind of amused by Ronon's reaction. Then he added, "Don't worry Ronon, I won't say anything. But you might have to worry for the nurses that were on duty last night."

Ronon frowned. "Why?"

"Because I wasn't alone in the infirmary when you told me that," Sheppard said with a grin.

Ronon sighted and returned to his food while Sheppard eyed him. Nothing was ever normal in Atlantis.


	2. Orgy

**A/N: I do have to take advantage of my bunnies, I didn't have this ready at any point today. But around 10PM I got the impulse to write and I had to obey. Thanks to krysalys, Lady Valmar and drufan for the reviews. **

**Enjoy!**

#2: Orgy

Lt. Laura Cadman felt weird as she saw herself walking through the halls of Atlantis in nothing but a nightgown. The gown was worthy enough for a full page on a Victoria's Secret catalog, but she had taken it out of her bag and into a drawer. The thing hasn't seen any light since then. She felt as if she was floating in the air, moving towards a set of doors. What was behind those doors? She didn't know, but what she did know was that there was a feeling inside of her that was making her feel anxious and a bit out of mind.

The doors opened; they were the infirmary doors. Carson was standing in the entrance of his office looking at his computer. Cadman noticed how handsome the Doctor looked. They had a couple of dates, but nothing was still official. Nothing had happened between them other than a kiss from a gentleman. In fact she didn't know where all was going, but still they were friends and felt comfortable around each other. That was enough for her. If their relationship never moved to the next step, Cadman knows that she had a wonderful friend instead.

The Lieutenant now noticed that she was moving slower, everything seemed fuzzy and for a moment she wondered if she was sick. Sickness in Atlantis came in all shapes and forms, and not always meant lying on a bed facing death.

Carson now noticed her presence, he smiled at her. It was weird because she felt herself beaming, glowing even. How a smile like that could make her blush so badly?

But that didn't make her stop; she kept on walking towards the sexy doctor. Who in turn, started approaching Cadman.

At the moment Cadman was down right nervous. She knew that something was about to happen and that thought scared her a bit. They were in the middle of the infirmary after all.

When Carson finally stepped in front of her, he kissed her deeply. And she was enjoying it a lot; the feel of his lips, his hands cupping her face, their bodies closer than ever before. Then his hands started to slip down and Carson started to pull up the nightgown. Cadman frowned, as it was a way too quickly move on the Doctor's part but he simply continued kissing her and that eased her mind.

The infirmary was still eerily empty and now Carson was doing things to her that she had only fantasized about. Suddenly the doors opened and Rodney McKay and Elizabeth Weir walked in the infirmary. When they realized what was going on, they seemed to freeze on their spots, but that didn't made Carson stop. Cadman was freaking out; she was naked in the middle of the infirmary while Carson was pleasuring her, while two of the high staff looked from the entrance.

Well… one thing led to another and the next second Weir and McKay were joining them. It was weird actually to see them getting freaky with each other. McKay was looking better than the first time she had seen him without clothes and Dr. Weir was not looking too bad herself.

Cadman was beginning to wonder about the reality of the whole situation. But when she felt close to figuring it out, Carson and McKay changed positions and now it was Rodney with her and Carson with Dr. Weir.

It was strange, because instead of really freaking out about it, she felt like enjoying it all the way.

Some time it had passed and Colonel Sheppard walked in the place. He was looking like a glorious god of sex, ready to join all his other god-like brothers.

And he did, the things he started doing… well let's just say that the infirmary wasn't quiet anymore. It was filled with the loud primal sounds of people getting freaky with each other.

When Cadman thought that nothing else could impress her, Ronon and Teyla walked in. And just like everyone else they joined in without second thought. Cadman was in frenzy as everyone around her was acting wild. She decided to stop and leave, but her foot was stuck on something. Someone was sitting on her foot; she tried to pull it out but nothing. She couldn't move it.

Cadman started pulling and shouting that she wanted to leave, only that no one seemed to hear her.

The next thing she knew was that her eyes opened and she was lying on her bed, alone and still on her work clothes. Frowning she looked around, it had all been a dream; a very naughty and freaky dream.

The young lieutenant didn't know how she was going to be able to face Carson and the rest of the guys. Cadman placed her hands on her face, and as she covered it she noticed the thin sheet of sweat that was covering her.

She decided to take a nice, long bath. It wasn't going to take the memories away, but her mind could make them more bearable. Then as she sat up, something fell to the floor; a book.

"The Art of Seduction" read the title, and Laura Cadman thought to herself, that she has to stop reading erotica before going to bed.


	3. Weird

**A/N: So… I should stop calling these drabbles, because once I start writing I end up with 5 pages or more. Anyway this fic was a tricky one, the first idea was pretty much crack, so think of this one as an overthinked crack. **

**Anyways, I hope you like it! Enjoy!**

**Weird**

The conference room even if it was alien, it held many similarities to the ones on Earth. The floors were light and shiny, the room spacious with the large table in the middle. The chairs all had a fair resemblance to very expensive chairs used only by the CEO's of big companies. Then there were those sitting on those chairs….

But before that is told, you have to know how the Team managed to get there.

The day had started like any other day, by flying into the planet through the space Stargate. The puddle jumper was cloaked and as they went lower into the planet's atmosphere, the layouts of the place began taking shape. The planet had been picked for some unusual energy signals, plus those same signals resembled those Earth gave away. Ronon managed to point out a couple of space objects that were orbiting the planet. Rodney quickly corrected Ronon saying that they looked like satellites.

The surface was another matter altogether. A city began taking shape; it was dark with glimpses of red. Tall gothic buildings filled the area; some were shiny as stainless steel, others were dark as the night. The red tint seemed to come out from the ground itself, giving the place an underworld feeling.

The sun was going down, and so Sheppard decided to land the Jumper in other to take a closer look at the otherwise empty looking city.

The Jumper backdoor opened and so the team set their way towards the city, but as they made their way there, Teyla discovered something. The city was not empty.

Ronon was the first one to meet up with one of the natives. As he was walking towards the city, something brushed by him. It was small and very fast, when he was finally able to catch up with it; he discovered that it was just a boy. The boy didn't look to be more than a 10 year old, his skin had a tanned look and his hair was covered in small and short dreadlocks. His clothes were minimal, as he was only wearing what it looked like a loincloth. Ii it wasn't for the little horns on his head or the pointed tail; he would have looked like a normal boy.

The boy sneered at Ronon and ran away. Ronon followed the boy with his sight and noticed that they were being watched as well.

There was a small crowd on the outskirts of the city. They were looking at the team in awe and shock.

Sheppard noticed that there were two tall men; one was blonde, the other brunette and very fair. Their blue eyes were kind of alluring, but still it left Sheppard with a sense of danger. Following was a woman; her dark hair contrasted her pale and beautiful face. But then besides them there was a tall creature, dressed in a suit, half man and half… Sheppard stopped himself. The man's face was furry and instead of a nose, he had a snout. Plus the ears… if it wasn't an overgrown dog… it was a Werewolf.

The Colonel decided to make the first move, he walked towards the group. "Hello, we're travelers; we came through the Stargate, searching for…"

Before Sheppard could finish, the pale woman opened her mouth, and when she did, Sheppard noticed another weird thing; she had fangs like a vampire.

The place was becoming by the second one very warped world. Sheppard heard Rodney say, "Does she look like a vampire to you?"

Sheppard shushed Rodney, but hearing Rodney's comment the pale woman said, "Oh dear… the humans have found us."

Sensing trouble Sheppard backed off. "I'm sorry, but we're not here to cause trouble. We only want…"

He never finished, the blonde man frowned in anger, and he raised one hand and shouted "Sleep!"

And without a fight, without complaint or warning Sheppard, Rodney, Ronon and Teyla fell on the ground, unconscious.

-0-0-0-0

Sheppard awoke and looked around; they were in some sort of conference room. He was sitting on one of the comfortable chair around the table. As he looked around, he noticed the rest of his team. Ronon was being forcibly awakened by the little boy, who was pulling Ronon by the hair. Teyla had a creepy pale guy behind her; the man was staring at her with a horny look. And last but not least Rodney was already awake, but looking as if he might faint soon, there was the werewolf staring at the scientist with interest and glee.

Suddenly there was a sound as if a bunch of bees were flying around. Then things started flying past Sheppard, he felt like being invaded by giant flies, but still he couldn't make out what they really were. He looked around and asked. "Are you all ok?"

Rodney was trying very hard to ignore the werewolf besides him. "Define ok…"

"Every limb in place, no loss of blood," Sheppard said in mild amusement.

"Yes I'm ok," Rodney replied as quickly as possible.

Sheppard's gaze moved to Teyla, who in turn looked as if she was mentally trying to strangle the creepy guy behind her. "Teyla?" Sheppard said tentatively, to which he received a quick and annoyed response. "I'm fine Colonel."

Then Sheppard looked at Ronon, the big guy was being officially bullied by the little boy. The kid was way to fast for Ronon to grab him in each attempt to pull the Runner's hair. And the others in the room prevented him from standing up and running after the little devil.

Suddenly the doors opened, the female vampire arrived with the two tall guys. They looked at the team with disgust and sat down close together so they could talk amongst themselves.

Music started playing, Sheppard recognized it, it was a song called "Float on."

But… how?

The song was from earth, they were galaxies away. Rodney gave him a weird look, but before he said anything the doors opened once more. A new crowd of strange creatures walked in.

There was an elf, just like from the Lord of the Rings movies. Then two centaurs, a banshee brushing its white hair, two more vampires, a dryad, a gargoyle, a minotaur, two satyrs, a black humped creature wearing glasses who identified himself as the Boogeyman and finally mermaid in a tank that moved like a wheelchair.

The mermaid, parked her tank across from Ronon, she gave him a seductive look and smiled. "Hi, I'm Ahana." Then an abnormally large serpent poked her head out of the water and looked around. The mermaid petted the serpent and said, "Say hello Nessie."

The serpent just showed her split tongue twice and returned to the water. The mermaid shrugged. "She's cranky today."

Ronon didn't say a word, as he looked speechless as he was mortified by the little boy.

Now the werewolf was moving closer to Rodney, he was sniffing the scared scientist. Rodney tried as hard as he could to just ignore the half canine. But he couldn't.

"Tell me human, is your kind still moving around in horses?" the werewolf asked.

Rodney breathed deeply and turned to look at the creature, "No… we're…" Rodney stopped sensing Sheppard's gaze, and then he continued, "We've advanced a lot since the horses."

"You must be… just being here proves it. But still you're such a young race."

Rodney felt somewhat offended for being called young, by what he thought to be a big dog. "Why do you say that?" Rodney said with more courage than what he was actually feeling.

The werewolf just gave him a smirk, and then very suddenly he snarled and made a loud biting sound with his big teeth. Rodney jumped and looked away.

The werewolf smirked again and said, "Precisely my point."

Sheppard shook his head, but something caught his eye, he turned to Teyla, the man behind her was now crouched on her side, holding her hand. "My dearest Teyla, you must agree to be my queen, your face is one of the most beautiful I've seen, your body has given me fantasies that will last me forever, but your blood… oh please… you look so tasty! Be my queen, I beg you!"

Sheppard was suddenly concerned as Teyla had a glazed look and she looked as if she was about to say yes. But then the female vampire across the room frowned. "Oh shut up Loku. You're beginning to sound like a recording machine. Every time you see a woman, you hit rewind and play!"

The now revealed vampire Loku turned to the woman, "Shut up Eufrasia, is not my fault that no one wants to marry you and you have to settle with the sorcerer's gay duo!"

Eufrasia looked angry, she showed he fangs almost as a sign of fight. But the two guys besides her were equally offended as well. But before the fight started, the doors opened once more. A tall man walked in, his skin had a red tint; his clothes were red as well as his hair, which was also complemented with a set of horns at the top of his head. He flashed a charming smile to the team. "Hello and welcome to the Lower World, I'm Satanás the leader."

"Boss! Boss! Wait, I need to tell you something."

A very small creature walked in the place, it was brownish with red almond shaped eyes and two large fangs. He looked more like a cliché alien on drugs, than anything else. Satanás breathed deeply trying to hide how annoyed he was feeling. "What is it Chupacabras?"

Chupacabras was holding a couple of papers and said quietly, "The faeries came; I thought I should warn you before you started the meeting."

Satanás groaned slightly, and then turned his gaze to the two men besides Eufrasia. "Dante, Damian before I forget if you ever see more Earth humans, knocking them unconscious is not a good first impression."

Both men raised their eyebrow and said nothing, but their anger was clearly shown.

Rodney frowned then he leaned to Sheppard, and whispered. "Isn't Satanás the same as…?"

But Satanás never let him finish. "Yes, the same as Satan, but spoken in another language makes it a bit exotic."

Everyone in the room groaned, Sheppard looked at the rest of the team. Ronon was still occupied by the little boy. Teyla just shrugged, which made Sheppard exhale in relief as he saw her acting normal, and Rodney was ignoring the werewolf.

Satanás had a hurtful look. "What? It's a good name."

Ahana was now petting Nessie continuously. "It's not your name."

Satanás sat down quickly, "The real owner won't ever know. I'm harming no one."

Eufrasia was still angry from Loku's comments, so she said. "Oh spare us your identity crisis and tell us why you have brought us here."

Sheppard noticed how Satanás cleared his throat and turned to look at him. "Like the music?"

"What?" Sheppard asked confused.

"The music, its Earth's music, we get your XM radio, very cool things coming from there."

Suddenly Rodney said, "Is that what you use the satellites for?"

"Yes!" Satanás said with a smile, "plus we keep the Wraith at bay. They didn't like us and we don't like them. Still they don't mess with us and haven't tried, not yet. I believe that they don't like coming to this planet."

Satanás continued talking explaining something, but Sheppard couldn't pay attention, there was a very small winged woman resting besides his hands. She had a skimpy outfit, but her wings were yellow and blue. Before he could decide whether to move the little thing away or wake her up, two more appeared to her side. This time, one of them had a dark red dress and the other one was basically topless. They stared at Sheppard in amazement as they quickly waked up the one on his hands.

Then the one topless said in a very shrilly and high pinched voice. "Look girls! He has pointed ears, is almost one of us!"

"And very handsome," said the blue winged faerie.

Suddenly a stampede of faeries launched themselves at Sheppard. Some of them started doing some very obscene things with his hands, others tried to get into his clothes. Then another just went for the head and shouted. "Oh this hair! I could live in this hair!"

Sheppard tried to shake the faeries off, everyone in the room just stared at him with amusement. Sheppard was not. "Help please!"

Satanás didn't move, he only shouted, "Faeries, you are testing my patience. You have three seconds to leave the room. One, two…"

Most of the faeries groaned and flew away, except one. The one on Sheppard's hair, she was still making obscene sounds. But before Sheppard could shake her away, Satanás took out a fly swatter and slammed it on Sheppard's head. The faerie looked disorientated for a second, and then she cursed and flew away helped by two other faeries.

Satanás put away the swatter and looked at Sheppard. "You should take a bath, as soon as possible."

Passing a hand through his head, Sheppard returned to his chair, "You don't have to tell me twice."

Suddenly Ronon growled. "Can you do the same with this pest?"

Ronon was now pointing at the little boy; Satanás turned to look and replied. "I can't touch him. He's one of the real natives of the planet, and you're lucky he likes you otherwise you would be missing a part of your body."

"Lucky me…" Ronon said between his teeth as the boy gave his hair another pull.

"Don't look at him like that… he's you!" Satanás said in amusement.

"That is not me."

"Of course it is, they are shape shifters, if they like you they take your shape. But at the age they liked you the most. Intelligent little critters, too bad they don't care about anything else."

Ahana gave Nessie a snack. "Satanás, you're getting off topic again."

Satanás looked confused for a second, and then said, "Right! Ok, first…" he moved to look at the creatures in the room. "You're here to tell the population not to worry; humans are not coming here to slaughter us like they did in the past. As you can see for yourselves they still pretty much fear us. Causto!" Satanás now looked at the tallest of the centaurs. "Make sure you tell the giants and the dragons, especially to Claude the clan leader. He gets spooked easily sometimes, starts breathing fire, nothing good. So be careful."

Causto nodded, then Satanás turned to Sheppard, "Now… I will offer you sanctuary and help with Wraith matters, with one condition only."

Sheppard frowned and nodded. "Ok, what is that?"

Satanás smiled.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The jumper flew into the gate room and into the bay. Inside the bay Elizabeth was waiting for the team accompanied by Major Lorne's team. "Colonel Sheppard, I was getting worried."

"Well, we're ok." Sheppard said tiredly. Then Rodney walked past Sheppard saying. "Physically at least, this mission will haunt my dreams forever."

Then Teyla and Ronon walked out of the jumper, and seeing Ronon's disheveled look Elizabeth frowned. "What happened?"

"We landed on a fairytale nightmare." Sheppard said as the rest of the team walked out of the bay. Then Sheppard gave Weir the Short, short story.

Puzzled Elizabeth looked at the Colonel. "What do they want from us?"

"Movies… all the movies we can give them. They can listen to our XM radio, and they found out about them. So they want to see them."

Elizabeth let out a small laugh. "That's it?"

"That's it. Now I'm off to my room, after being attacked by a fairy stampede I feel the need of a shower."

"Ok, go."

Sheppard left the bay knowing that Elizabeth might have been laughing her ass off. It was not everyday that the ranking military officer and his team were captured by a bunch of mythical creatures.

Fairytale nightmare indeed.

Fin


	4. Porn

**A/N: another chapter, another ficlet. I don't trust the bunnies, so I can't honestly say when they will the strike again. It has even affected my fanfic reading, I hate it so much. Anyways, I wrote this the other day while drinking my morning coffee. I hope is ok.**

**-0-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Porn**

John Sheppard was bored; his day off had come to prove to be as bad as a meeting with a bunch of the city's scientists. Bugging Elizabeth was out of the question; she already threw him out of her office once and he wasn't up to test her patience.

John decided to make his way towards the recreation room.

When he arrived the room was empty, which was very good. The new box of DVD's was still untouched. John walked towards it and carefully went through it. He wanted to watch something that would not make him drool in boredom. Then he saw the case of Return of the King, he had seen the first two movies, but never had the chance of watching the last one.

On a day like the one he was having… it was definitely a good choice. He opened the case, and was suddenly startled as someone said his name behind him. John turned to face the doorway, finding Rodney looking at him with interest. "What?"

"What are you doing?" Rodney asked.

"I'm going to watch a movie," John took the disc out and placed it on the DVD player, "I'm off duty, remember? No experiments or ancient toys today."

Rodney frowned, "Ok, ok… what are you watching?"

John showed Rodney the case of the movie. Rodney suddenly looked as if he was searching for something, "Oh yes, I saw it. Too many endings, maybe I'll come back later to watch the battle."

"Rodney." John said giving the scientist an annoyed look.

"What?"

"I haven't seen it yet."

"Alright, just call me when Aragorn meets the zombie King."

"Go!" John almost shouted, he hated when people talked about movies he hadn't seen.

Knowing this, Rodney smirked and walked away.

John picked up the remote, and then Ronon walked through the door. "Hey!" John said as he sat on the couch.

Ronon gave him a nod and sat besides the Colonel. "What are you watching?"

"Return of the King, you might like it."

Ronon didn't say a word but didn't move either. So, John turned on the TV and quickly pressed play. What happen next caught John by surprise; it wasn't Lord of the Rings showing on the screen, but a woman moaning loudly.

Very loud.

Someone had left the sound system on and loud too. John's eyes were wide open as he fumbled with the remote.

Ronon had moved forward staring at the screen.

John managed to press the mute button and then he looked at Ronon. The ex-Runner had his eyes fixed to the screen. But before he could say something, he heard Rodney's voice coming from the hallway. "What was that? I'm sure Lord of the Rings doesn't sound like that. Or are you watching Lord of the G-string?"

John looked at the screen, currently there was a woman getting very freaky with three different guys, all in different positions. John fought with the control and turned the thing off just in time, when Rodney walked in. "Ok, what the hell are you watching?"

In fact John looked like a kid who had just been caught doing something bad. "Nothing! I pressed PLAY and it wasn't Lord of the Rings."

Rodney looked from John to Ronon and back, and then he crossed his arms and said, "What is it, then?"

John passed a hand through his hair and fell silent. Ronon pointed at the screen and said, "There was a woman having sex with three different men and one of them was…"

John cut Ronon off by signaling the man to stop. Amused by the Colonel's reaction Ronon fell silent. But Rodney's face said it all. "Are you watching porn?"

John took the remote and pressed PLAY. The woman reappeared on screen the mute was still on. So Rodney's reaction was, "Oh… whoa!"

John looked at the screen once more and then back at Rodney.

Ronon lay back on the couch clearly enjoying what he was seeing. "People watch this on Earth?"

John looked more uncomfortable as he never imagined that he had to explain to Ronon a porn movie. "Sometimes… to get in the mood… or…"

Rodney cut him off. "Or if you're lonely." Then after saying it he quickly cleared his throat and kept looking at the screen.

John shook his head and looked at Rodney. The scientist was frowning as he tilted his head to the right. "I didn't know that was humanly possible."

John looked at the screen again, but then he tilted his head to the left. They were silent for a bit then Rodney broke the silence. "I like porn as much as the next person, but this is… just…"

"Nasty?" John asked

"Yeah."

There was a momentary silence then a shout. "What the hell are you guys doing?"

They all spun around so quickly that Rodney almost lost his balance. Elizabeth stood on the doorway, Carson was besides her.

He gave them the weirdest look he could muster. "You all like to watch porn together?"

"This room is for recreation, not erotic purposes." Elizabeth said in anger as the movie kept playing in the background.

John quickly stopped the movie and moved towards Elizabeth. "No, no, no…. I was merely going to watch a very innocent movie called Return of the King, but when I pressed play this came out. Ronon was with me and Rodney was in the hallway when he heard it…"

"Everyone on the gate room heard it. That's why I'm here." Elizabeth said cutting John off.

"Oh damn!" John could only say… but after a minute he said, "I swear this is not mine, we were just…"

"Investigating the strange film." Rodney finished for John.

"It's porn! What's strange about it?" Elizabeth said annoyed.

Rodney held a finger up and said, "Give me a second." He took the remote from John's hands and looked back at Elizabeth. "Look at this."

Ronon smirked and made himself comfortable on the couch. Then Rodney pressed PLAY and the movie in question came to life. They all just stared at the screen in silence, after a few minutes Carson said, "That is positively the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."

"Is that even legal?" Elizabeth asked in disgust.

"I don't know but I'm going to need a shower after this." Rodney said almost to himself.

Every head turned to look at Rodney, he looked around and frowned. "What? I feel disturbingly violated by this movie."

John grabbed the remote back from Rodney's hands and stopped the film. Then he took out the disc from the DVD player. He looked at the disc. "What should we do with it?"

"I want to finish it." Ronon said as he stood up from the couch.

To which Elizabeth looked from Ronon and back to the disc in John's hands. "Burn it, throw it off a balcony, I don't care. But I don't want that thing in here."

It was the end of it and not to get rid of it could mean a month cleaning toilets. Elizabeth, Carson and Ronon left the room.

John and Rodney walked out from the recreation room to the nearest balcony. They both looked at the disc in John's hands. Then without warning John threw the disc into the ocean. They both looked at each other and John said, "that was a weird experience."

Rodney nodded, while John walked back inside.

-0-0-0-0-0

The disc flew out of the balcony, but it never touched the water. The wind made it stay close to the city and it landed on another balcony at Parrish's feet.

Parrish looked at the disc with interest; he picked it up and read the title.

His eyes flew wide open; he smiled and walked into the hallway. "Hey Katie, look what I found!"

FIN!


	5. Sorrow

**A/N: So… I was told that I was horny because of the previous chapters of this thing. It was an unexpected review, as there are hundreds of authors who write full hardcore NC-17 fics and no one calls them horny. On the other hand as I ponder about it, I realize something. I don't really care… as long as it makes me write, which is what I need. **

**This was out of the blue, and I intended to give it an ending. The ending will be in the next chapter. I hope no one minds this little experiment.**

**Enjoy!**

**-0-0-0-0-0-**

**Sorrow**

I have tried to ask myself… why? I see no answer.

I lie on the floor and I don't even know if people know about me or what happened. I feel my chest tight, my breathing slows down… and this morning I was worried about what new trouble had caused Rodney or John… or even Ronon. But it had been all three what led me here.

It was a toy they said over the radio, something I had to see. I remember considering it, not really wanting to give in into their childish moments.

But Rodney attacked where he knew I would give in. He told me to take a break that he knew I wanted to see whatever they found. For that moment only I was weak, I did as he told me. Then I took a look at my paper filled desk, where my laptop was only seen because of the screen. Everything else was under a sea of clutter. Not really my style, but it's the end of the month and now I can't ignore the paperwork. But for that moment I did, and now I'm here alone and in pain.

I hear a sound and I wonder what they are doing… how are they doing… and if they're even alive.

A piercing pain goes through my head and now I notice that my left arm is numb. I feel my eyes moist as the pain subsides. Darkness is around me and all I can feel is sadness, because often it is on the most innocent moments that bad luck strikes.

I was in a good mood as I walked towards this room. They were on a newly explored area and a transport takes you so far. I was in the mood to give in into their jokes, their sometimes silly conversations and even the ever present sarcasm between John and Rodney. They managed to take me away from work and I was ready to join them in their childish ways.

That was until I walked through the door.

A bright red light blinded me and all I felt after that was being thrown back into a wall. Nothing more, nothing else.

There's more noise around, familiar noises that give me hope. In the wait for the noises to come closer I drift in and out of consciousness. I only get to notice it because I realize the pain in my body fades to the background.

I honestly don't know how much time has passed. An hour, a couple of minutes, a whole day… all I know is that every second feels like an eternity.

I open my eyes and light hits me. Once the sudden blindness goes away I hear voices around me. I see John's face, he has some scratches on his forehead and his arm is bleeding. I know he's saying my name, but that's it.

Voices… the voices are louder.

I can see Ronon now; the scratches on his left cheek are a palpable proof that no one was unscathed.

Ronon got closer to me, more than what John did. His face was set, it didn't betray any emotion, but still he seemed angry for some reason. I wanted to ask them if they were ok, about what happened. I wanted to know where Rodney was, but as Ronon placed an arm under my neck the last thing I saw was John's worry filled face.

Then the world went black.

TBC….

**A/N: the ending for this will be the next chapter, then this thing will continue as originally planned.**


	6. Music

**A/N: Weeeeee the muses gave into temptation… well more likely I grabbed them by the hair and dragged them with me. I have the next ficlet almost finished and I might post it in the next couple of days. This is the ending of this particular story, but there are other topics I haven't touched… plenty more to write and hopefully it will find it's way here. Just as a note, this is the kind of H/C that I suck at, still I wanted to give it a shot.**

**Also, my beta is currently MIA, sorry for all the horrors.**

**Enjoy!**

**-0-0-0-0-**

**Music**

The music was faint and very far away. It reminded her of the little music box she kept by her bedside table. Elizabeth usually used it as a way to lull her mind into sleep. Now it was acting as a beacon, which brought her closer to awareness.

The music stopped and for a long time, it was replaced with by silence and the constant beeping of a machine. Sometimes whispers were all around her, and then the music started again. It comforted Elizabeth, because it reminded her that she was not alone, that someone wanted her to awake once again.

When she finally opened her eyes, Elizabeth found that she was in the infirmary. The lights were down and John Sheppard was sitting by her bed, his head going back and forth as he unconsciously fought back sleep.

Elizabeth's eyes moved to look at her surroundings, Ronon was sleeping on the bed next to her and on the table in between was her little silver music box.

"Hey, you're finally awake!"

Elizabeth heard John's voice and she turned to look at him. That's when she noticed the scratches on his face and the bandage on his right arm. He stood up and called Carson who promptly walked out of his office.

"How are you feeling?" Carson asked as he stopped besides her and started doing his routine check up.

Elizabeth thought about it, her body felt a bit numb, then she finally noticed the cast on her arm. "What happened?" She asked as confusion settled on her.

John moved in to answer. "That thing we wanted to show you, well we thought it was an Ancient entertainment device, but it was actually a trap. From what Rodney gathered after the accident, that thing was meant to knock people out, but after ten thousand years of being untouched something went wrong."

Elizabeth was aware of Carson moving around her. "You haven't answered my question, love. How are you feeling?"

She actually felt sore and sleepy, but nothing to be overly concerned. " Like the world just fell on top of my head."

John and Carson smiled. "That's because of the concussion you suffered when you hit the wall." Carson explained.

Elizabeth looked around and noticed that Ronon was no longer sleeping. Then seeing the small bandage on his face made her realize that they were all hit as well. "Are you all ok? Where's Rodney?"

Carson placed a hand on her shoulder. "He's working on what's left of the device and don't worry, no one was badly hurt. Colonel Sheppard had some lacerations on his arm and forehead…"

"I fell on glass." John cut Carson off.

"That's right, Ronon was just bruised up and Rodney broke a finger, they will be fine and so will you. Now, get some rest, is very late. Later if you're hungry I'll bring you something to eat. Okay?"

Elizabeth just nodded and one by one they walked out of the infirmary. Carson returned to his office and Ronon stopped at the end of her bed, "I found the device."

Elizabeth frowned. "Do you think I'm looking to point fingers, Ronon? It was an accident, it was nobody's fault."

Ronon shrugged. "I just wanted to let you know that," then he walked out of the infirmary.

Elizabeth shook her head slightly and then sleep took over her.

-0-0-0-

Her music box was on once again, this time the soft melody was getting slower by the second, then it ended in mid-note. A voice took her closer to awareness.

"I'm so glad nothing horrible happened. I mean, you getting into the infirmary it is horrible and getting broken bones and concussions is horrible. Just the pain of the first few days… what I'm trying to say is that I'm so happy that you will still be here to scream at me because of it, I feel this was all my fault."

That last comment made Elizabeth open her eyes, now she understood Ronon's comment. Ronon knew that Rodney feared that he was going to get blamed for it, in the end the whole thing was resumed into friends helping each other without one of them knowing.

Rodney sat on the chair John previously occupied. The lights were still off but there was light outside the windows, it was already morning. Rodney was just staring at his broken hand.

"It was not your fault Rodney." Elizabeth said softly.

Rodney looked up startled. "Wha… oh, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

Elizabeth moved on the bed so she could face Rodney. "Rodney, that was not your fault."

Rodney remained silent. Elizabeth kept her stare firm on Rodney. " If it was, don't you think I would be the first one to let you know?"

"I made you go down there." Rodney replied

"And I could have stayed in my office and ignore you guys."

There was silence, he wanted the guilt trip, and so Elizabeth lay back on her bed, getting as comfortable as she could. "Ok, it is your fault, now your punishment will be to spend a day off and watch a movie with me and whoever wants to join us… my choosing."

Elizabeth saw on his face that he knew what she was doing. And the little smirk told her that he was grateful. "Your choosing?" He asked, "are you torturing me with a chick flick?"

An evil smirk appeared on her mouth. "Maybe…"

Rodney shook his head and stood up to leave. "I have to return to the lab, hopefully the idiots down there haven't blown up yet."

Elizabeth nodded; when it came to Rodney's lab it was better no to say anything. But before he left, she remembered something. "Thank you Rodney… for the music box."

Rodney moved uncomfortably. "I'm sorry I got into your room, I just thought that if you owned it, you might like to hear it… even if you were unconscious."

"I'm grateful for the thought Rodney."

Rodney moved towards the table, picked up the little music box, turned the screw a few times and opened it. He returned it to the table and walked out of the infirmary.

But while he was still on earshot, Elizabeth said, "See you on movie night."

Rodney stopped for a moment, and then kept on walking. Elizabeth smiled and settled on her bed, the music was so soothing that she forgot about pains, hunger and everything else as she fell asleep once again.


End file.
